Sep 01 2009
The Last Stage of Grieving: Acceptance
Does reaching the stage of acceptance mean that everything is back to normal?How can it be? The person you love is gone.
When Dr. Kubler-Ross developed the stages of grief, they were in relation to getting ready to leave this life. A person who was terminally ill would go through the stages of Shock/Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and, finally, acceptance.
In most cases, the terminally ill individual, would come to a place of peace about the fact they were leaving everyone they loved. As is said, the one dying is losing everyone. The bereaved is losing one person.
Do the survivors come to peace after a beloved has died?
Yes, acceptance does bring some peace. You are not screaming and yelling at everyone who walks by. Neither are you incapable of moving out of the chair or bed. You have engaged in life.
But, is life the same? Will it ever be “the same?”
There is a huge difference between adjusting to life without a loved one, and life being the same.
Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries bring back memories. For a parent who has lost a child, the child never grows up. S/he is always the same age, even when wondering what s/he would be like now. With the loss of a parent, there is still that desire to share important events … marriages, grandchildren.
Accepting the reality of the loss doesn’t mean all the sadness goes away. It is not at the intense level of depression, but it is there. The tears can move to a wistful smile as a memory is stirred.
The last few deaths in my life have been the ending of great pain … my brother who struggled with addiction since junior high school … my mother with chronic pain for more than 10 years … two grandmothers with Alzheimer’s.
There was a relief in these deaths. Yes, I miss them, but I would never want them to live the pain of the life they were living. And, you may think selfishly, I don’t want the pain of watching them. I am comforted knowing they are free of their pain.
What of those who have suddenly lost vital loved ones through sudden death? They don’t have “they are finally out of pain,” to comfort them.
They have the rawness of their pain and the useless, but oft asked question, “Why.”
Each person will navigate the minefield of grief in his or her own way. The path to acceptance is torturous, but it can come in time.
Find someone to talk to. Share stories of your loved one.
Many grieving people are faced with stony silence. Others don’t want to “bring it up.” They are afraid of causing pain.
If you know someone who has lost a loved one, and you have a story to share, please share it. Put it in a note.
If you need to talk, and people are reluctant, find someone else to speak with … a support group could be helpful.
Grieving takes time. It is not done in 90 days. The shock is just wearing off, which means the pain will be sharper.
You, as the bereaved, will need to go through all the anniversaries, holidays and birthdays. Each one is a poignant reminder that your beloved is not there.
After the anniversary of the death, the pain begins to lessen. In another 6 months, you will find yourself feeling “more normal.” The loss will always be there, but you begin to adjust to life as it is now.
