Aug 16 2009
Stages of Grief:Shock and Denial
You are probably aware of the grief cycle. These are the stages you go through as you manage the loss of someone of something you love. They are an adaptation of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of acceptance of death and dying.
The pioneering work of Kubler-Ross drastically changed the way people looked at loss of all kinds. I remember reading an article in which she said the stages we therapists use for all loss were what she noted in people who were dying. She wasn’t entirely sure they were applicable to any loss.
Kubler-Ross published her paradigm changing book in 1969.
Isn’t it amazing how many paradigm changing events were occurring in the same decade? The ’60s began with the advent of “The Pill,” then we had such events as the Viet Nam war, riots in the streets over elections, civil rights, “the war,” the loss of faith in the establishment, Woodstock (a symbol for many of my generation) and Kubler-Ross’s work on death and dying.
Although Kubler-Ross wasn’t sure the stages she found in death and dying were relevant to other losses, therapists over the decades have used them as a format to assist people in managing loss of every kind. When the “inner child” movement began in the 80’s, the 5-Stages of grief were used as an explanation of what was happening emotionally.
I have found these 5-stages helpful in providing some structure in what happens as we grieve for any loss. I do have to remind people that the you can be in more than one stage at a time as well as going back and forth between stages.
I want to spend some time exploring the emotions in the grief cycle over the next few posts.
The first stage “Denial” is often referred to as “Shock and denial.”
I turned on the television when a friend called on 9/11. I was watching the twin towers burning on the screen while saying on the telephone, “No it isn’t. This isn’t true.” She kept telling me it was, just turn on the TV.
Events occur which are so unbelievable or so far away from what you conceive for your life, as in the sudden death of a loved one or a diagnosis of cancer. The reality can’t enter into awareness. Your inner self puts up a wall so you can handle it little by little.
Your body will frequently do that with an injury. The body goes into shock so it isn’t overwhelmed with the pain. I was listening to an acupuncturist talk about being at the site of a car accident. He was talking to a guy in the car who had a bone sticking out of his leg. The guy was talking calmly, not feeling any pain.
The EMT folks weren’t paying attention to him because he wasn’t yelling and others in other vehicles were. After a while, the shock wore off and they guy was screaming in agony.
That happens emotionally, also. Your mind has heard the news, but your psyche has protected you from the full force of the reality of the situation. This doesn’t mean you don’t have a reaction about the news. You “just” don’t have the full force of the pain.
Some of the words used when something first happens are perfect examples of shock/denial. They often begin with “I can’t believe…” or “No, it can’t be true.”
As a therapist, I help clients move through the shock and denial stage. I often see it in what we call minimizing. My job is to let him or her know that what happened was major.
“No, not everyone has been molested, raped, beaten and thrown out of the house.”
“Yes, there are other’s who have had it worse, but that doesn’t mean what happened to you isn’t horrible.”
These stages can occur whether the loss is big (death, loss of job, diagnosis) or little (breaking a fingernail, spilling your drink, missing an appointment). You go through the stages more quickly with the small events.
If someone over-react to the “small” events (broken finger nail), you can be sure there is a well of grief inside due to something else. It’s “safer” to be upset about the fingernail than about the raging alcoholic father s/he had to hide from. This over-reaction is another sign of shock/denial about something else.
Next entry is about anger.
Until then…
Cathy Chapman, Ph.D
